Posts (page 2)

I've just been sick.  Really, REALLY sick.  It's definitely been a week to forget--everyone in the house caught it, including the husband who kept trying to act like he had nothing.  It kicked his butt too.  As for me, I slept.  A LOT.  A good 3 days of sleep.  And didn't eat much.  And didn't write at all.  Or work, for that matter.

I'm pretty much behind on everything at the moment.  I'm even 30k behind in my word count goal for the year.  All I can do now is hope the rest of the year gets better from here, really.  Most of this week will focus on catching up with work and taking care of things on that end.  I'm still getting pretty tired after being up for a few hours, though, so catching up may not be the operative word yet.  I don't want to push myself too hard and end up relapsing with this stuff--it was bad enough the first time around.  I have goals for the week, it's just slow and steady is going to be the mantra.  If I don't make the goals, so be it.

I've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with some unusual (for me) insecurities.  One had to do with family, but was indirectly related to being a writer, the other was directly related to writing and led to a realization about how I need to work.  I've also been learning that even established authors still deal with insecurities when it comes to writing.  Which is kind of depressing in the sense of "oh my Gad--you mean I'll never be free of this crap?!"  But it can be reassuring too--maybe I won't piss off fans with my own sense of self-importance the way a few authors have in recent years.  (I've already told friends that if I ever get to the point where I think I don't need an editor, they are to slap me silly.  I can't see myself ever becoming a popular enough author to warrant such arrogance or ever getting over my own insecurities enough to ever think I don't need help, but who knows what the future holds?)  The thing about insecurities, though, is you have to find a way through or around them to keep going.  You can't let them strangle you.

My first demon had to do with not providing financially for my kids.  Writing doesn't pay much for most authors.  MY writing doesn't even cover the cost of supplies yet.  (Are you kidding?  Ink alone wipes out what I make in a year!)  while the amount I make is rising, it certainly can't be called a paying job.  I'm in that "paying my dues" phase of my writing career--and may be here not only for a very long time, but for the entirety of my career.  We have to be somewhat realistic: writing is a brutal business and, even with more opportunities to get paid publication, only a few really ever make this a supporting career.  The funny thing about all this is that I've only ever wanted to be an at home mommy anyway.  Now that I am, because of some issues that prevent me from working, I'm angsting about it.  I guess it would be easier to deal with if I'd had more of a choice in the matter instead of making the only choice that made sense (because, yes, there was another option open to me, but taking the option that reduces our income when we barely get by as it is hardly makes any sense at all).

So, right now, regardless of the financial implications of my writing, I'd be home anyway.  However, this doesn't mean I don't provide for my kids, and I had to realize this.  I keep us from losing more money by giving my husband the hours he needs to work.  I keep us from paying for childcare--which would probably eat up most, if not all, of any paycheck I would get.  As a sub, there's no guarantee I'd be working every day--though I did work most days because I was one of those subs teachers wanted in their classrooms.  And over the last year, it's become more and more obvious that I wasn't getting paid enough to really offset the cost of me working.  So, even when I was bringing in a traditional income, I wasn't really providing financially for my kids.  Towards the end of my subbing career, I was even paying for me to work.

Then there are the non-financial reasons for me to stay home.  I provide something for my kids that a daycare never could: me.  My time, my presence, my interaction.  I help them get ready for school and see them off, make sure they've done everything they need and have everything they need.  I'm here when they get home and can listen to their day and make sure they get their homework done and do whatever else they need to do.  When my husband is late, I feed them (he's usually our cook).  I provide stability in the routine of the day, something my son really needs.  In this house, quality time goes hand in hand with quantity time.  They get me, their mom, and no one can replace that.

So I do provide for my kids.  Maybe not with money, but I do provide for them.  And, since I'd be home anyway, I might as well write.  There's ways to keep the costs down and ways to increase the income, both of which I'm working on.

Demon #1 dealt with.  Hopefully for good, but angst has this annoying tendency to resurface, so we'll see.  At least I now have this post to look at when it does.

Demon #2 is an odd one for me.  I'm used to crises in confidence, but this had nothing to do with confidence.  This one had to do with what I "should" be doing with my time.  I wasn't thinking "hey, you're a lousy writer, give it up."  I was thinking, "I may be an okay writer, but should I be writing?"  I'm not even sure it came down to money, even though I'm sure that was part of it.  I am selling, not frequently and not everything, but I'm seeing more sales now than when I started.  But should I be trying to get published?  Perhaps this was more of "how much of a waste of time is this?" kind of thing.  The solution to this demon came down to two things for me:

1.  Going back to the kids a bit here: I'd be home anyway.  The press I edit for hasn't taken off enough for it to take up all my time, there's only so much housecleaning a person can do (if they even want to do that much housecleaning at all), and I'm not a TV and bonbons kind of person (even the PlayStation gets old after awhile--something it's starting to remind us of lately)...and I've always wanted to be a writer.  And...I'd be home anyway,  Might as well fill that time with what I love to do.

2. Oddly, what helped the most was writing fresh words.  Not revising.  Not checking for sense, technicalities, or anything--just getting a story down.  It'll need to be revised later, yes, but, for now, I can just write it.  Apparently, I need that to keep sane about my writing.  Revising is about fixing the problems.  Focus on nothing but fixing the problems, you begin to wonder if it's what you should be doing because all you're doing is fixing problems and there's always problems to fix.  I don't like revisions.  I know they're necessary, but, no, revising isn't a part of writing I enjoy.  I don't enjoy them and see so much wrong with my writing that it's hard to feel like this is what I should be doing.  To keep my love of writing alive, to think I should be doing this writing thing, I need fresh words.  This means making sure I have a novel in that early part of creation while revising another project.

Once I wrote some new words on Phoenix Rising, that feeling that maybe I shouldn't be doing this dissipated.  I just have to remember this the next time I get that feeling that I maybe I shouldn't be doing this writing thing.  Granted, it may not come back, but I should plan for it anyway.  For one, I tend to hyper focus.  It's part of the ADHD, believe it or not.  At some point, I'll get so totally focused on Assassin's Choice that nothing else will get worked on.  Assassin's is in revisions and will be for the rest of the year.  No (or very few) fresh words.  So it will be easy to get caught back up in it and let anything fresh just slide because this "needs" to get done.

Demon #2 dealt with...for now.

Writing is such an odd profession.  It's generally not thought of as a career unless you're Stephen King or J. K. Rowling, neither of which would be told by their spouses or parents to go get a "real" job.  Even visual artists get more respect and support than your average writer.  Despite the number of markets out there, it doesn't pay a living wage for most of us--a lot of which has to do with what those markets pay (or, more frequently, don't pay), but there are other reasons in there as well.  So it comes with these "extra" demons.  It's bad enough to be fighting feelings of insecurity, but we have to deal with all this other stuff as well.  And it's a constant thing.  There's this subtle pressure to prove yourself (by selling BIG, of course) or get out of the way.  And that, apparently, never goes away...except maybe for King and Rowling.  ;)

All of which makes me kind of glad I'd be home anyway.  If I end up being able to fall back on nothing else for my writing, I can always remind myself of that.  Hopefully, that, and the few publications I get each year, will be enough to keep me going despite my demons.  I'm home anyway.  Might as well do something I love to do.  :)

I spent most of last week fighting sinus crud and generally being sick.  By Wednesday, I gave up, crawled in bed, and pretty much stayed there.  By Friday, I was feeling better, but I decided to keep taking it easy--I've been fighting a lot of ickiness since I stopped subbing.  My kids haven't been sick, so I'm not sure where it's coming from.  Rather than rush back to work and risk another relapse, I just stayed in bed.

I did manage to get alden.nu back online and in working order, though.  That took all of the weekend, but its done.

Now my plan is to focus on getting A.C. back on track.  Have other stuff in the works as well, but A.C. is the priority.

We had a wonderful holiday, but I'm glad it's over.  My oldest daughter and her family came down on Christmas Eve and spent a few days with is, middle daughter was over for the day with her boyfriend (who left right after we ate), and the kids father was out for about a week or so.  The gift pile was just scary, even taking into account there were a lot of people doing the giving and a couple of extra people receiving.  Not much writing done in December at all--just too busy.  The kids went back to school on January 3, and I've spent most of this last week trying to catch up on a few things.  But now it's time to get back into the groove...or to find a groove to get back into.  ;)

My first priority is A.C., which I want done and out to beta readers by November.  It's a late date, but I have the current v4/v5 combined revision I'm doing to finish, then some major changes for one of the characters to make in a v6 revision.  I'm keeping a to do list for v6 as I work through v4/v5.  Most of it is nit picky things, but I'm changing the race of a character (dropping the previous race completely out of the Alden world) and that will require some larger changes.  I suspect beta readers will find places where I missed things.  ;)

I'm also working on Phoenix Rising.  The notes draft is going pretty well, but is minus notes and I suspect has some redundancy.  I'll finish it, print it, make notations of what needs to be fixed, and revise the notes draft before moving on to the building draft.  I need to work on world building for it (and A.C. as well).  I've also got Stolen Priest out for me to look at, but it's a pretty low priority for me right now.

Nine shorts are in various stages of being worked on: "A Single Parent In A Married Relationship" (essay), "Blood Whispers" (Vampire), "The Reckoning" (SF), "Gift of Writing" (Supernatural), "Magda" (??), "Iris" (SF), "Rebuilding After Rejection" (Article; being updated), "Promises" (Vampire), and "Fairy Dragon" (brand new Fantasy).  Most of these are in various stages of being revised, although "Fairy Dragon" is so new the rough isn't finished.  Several are a couple of years old, which is my problem with shorts--they aren't a priority for me.  They'll eventually get done; I'm just not one to impose deadlines on them since they tend to get pushed aside more frequently for other things.

The only other project to worry about is fixing Alden.nu.  I tried to give it a start this morning, but there's a problem with the MT install, so I have to wait until the fella who handles the server gets back online to fix it for me.  Alden.nu will take awhile to get back together anyway--most of the areas that have problems have to be restored page by page.  That's a lot of pages to have to get back online.

Goals for 2008:
» 450,000 words
» Finish A.C. and get it out to whole book readers
» Finish Phoenix rough draft and revisions to v3
» at least 1 professional publication (no, I never learn)
» finish "Letters", "Single Parent", and "Blood Whispers"
» write 6 new shorts
» read 1 book a month

The only thing I'm worried about on that list is the 6 new shorts, but the rest should be quite manageable. :)

I'm having real trouble getting motivated to do my personal writing related stuff.  My big focus the past few months have been A.C. and Phoenix Rising (also known as Phoenix 1 since there are a total of 5 Phoenix books planned), but even being 8 chapters behind in my revisions doesn't have me motivated enough to work on them.  With these 2 books bogged down, so are my shorts and other work.

A lot of it has to do with how much I try to get done in a day.  There's the "day job", the DII administrative stuff, the home stuff, and so on and so forth.  Somehow writing has been pushed down the line until...until I don't get it done.  With the holidays preparing to take over, it's only going to get worse.  For example, this week starts the baking blitz I do every year.  The early cookies will go out as gifts, the cookies made closer towards the weekend will get put in containers until Christmas.  (Maybe.  The family tends to attack the cookies making more baking necessary right before the holiday--also making it a good thing we don't do much on Christmas eve.)  As much as I love it, it's also one more thing to take up time that could be spent writing.

Which is not to say I'll give up cookie-baking this year.  Or any year.  We must have our cookies.  ;)

There are a lot of writers who tell me they have trouble finding time to write.  My response is generally the same: you have to make time to write.  And, really, I do, I just don't do the writing.  I also don't believe in waiting for the muse to strike (and I'd link to a post about that, but it'll change once I get the motivation to make Alden.nu fixes...which I've also not been at all motivated to get to).  And yet, here I sit, dragging my butt and not doing what I need to do.  It really does make me despair of being able to handle deadlines.

I do think that the changes over the last few months are part of the problem, the upcoming holidays are part of the problem, and so on.  There's just been so much going on--a change in work, a change in focus, people moving in and out again, and so on.  It's fracturing my attention.  Maybe it will get better after the holidays, but I still think I need to find a way to write through them.

And if anyone's got any suggestions, I'll take them.

As has been most this past year, it's been a busy few months, but some major changes are going to allow me to change my focus in the future.  It's all good, but requires me to come up with a routine for my day that works.  I'm very excited about it all though.  :)

The best news right now is that I'm no longer subbing.  A lot of reasons went into it, including a boss change for my husband, which also means a schedule change.  The new boss expects people to be in to work at 7 A.M.  and they generally don't leave until 3 or 3:30 p.m.  Our son's bus picks him up at 9 and drops him off at 4, and my husband's new schedule prevents him from being home for the boy at either time.  At the same time, the latest I can be in a classroom as a sub is about 8:30.  My husband's job makes more money, so I resigned my subbing position.  And happily so.  The one thing subbing showed me is that I'm not nearly as suited to being a teacher as I once was.  If I had started when I was younger, it might be different now; but a lot has changed about me since my days in college, and my patience with snarky kids appears to be one of the changes.

This does not mean I'm not working, though.  I've resigned my editor position with one small press to accept the Senior Editing position for Lilley Press, a new, Canadian, small press.  I read slush (guidelines, guys, guidelines!  Yeesh!), hire editors, assign accepted manuscripts to editors, and do some editing myself.  Our first publications should come out in ebook format early in 2008.  First hard copies, depending on how well the ebooks do, should come out in 2009.  That's the hope anyway.  I'm very excited about it, but the slush alone is going to keep me very busy.

I'm about 8 chapters behind in my A.C. revisions, but they are getting done and reactions from people who have seen the new v5 have been good.  A new Alden novel, Phoenix Rising, is in the notes draft stage.  I need to work on world building for both as well.  As usual, my shorts are getting the least attention, but I'm okay with that.  Some of my newer stuff is on the dark end of things--rather pessimistic in their view of humanity.  It's an interesting change in my writing, but one i hope isn't permanent.  ;)

As for other projects, Alden.nu is still a mess, but on my list to tackle early in the year.  Most of my other web related work is on target.  The house things I've been trying to tackle will take time since they need some financial investment and we don't have enough for that right now.  I am working on healthier living--a journey you can read in my new journal  It's About Time.  I'm mostly working on the routine and adding exercise into my day.  I'm not really working on food changes, but I am watching my food and will eventually make changes that are healthier.  Become unhealthy is easy; turning it around is a step-by-step thing that takes time.

The plan is to write in Journeys at least once a week now.  My old writing journal is unlikely to become active again since to pull it together means re-posting 100s of entries.  I'll probably leave what's done as it is, but I can't easily create new entries for it.  It was probably about time, though.  My LJ has become home to most of my word count and other writer related posts, and Journeys is home to writing and whatever is left.  Sometimes, you just have to accept the changes and move on.

I started subbing again (got to make the rent somehow!), but only part time--meaning only 2 or 3 days a week.  So far I haven't had to turn anyone down for have my 2 (preferred) or 3 (if one of my fave teachers begs really hard) booked, but I'm sure that will change once the weather finally goes from sweltering to "Is it cold enough to snow yet?  No?  Could have fooled me!"  This should start sometime in November, maybe earlier.  I'm also going to try to limit the number of schools this year.  I may have to make the rent, but I also need to keep what's left of my sanity.

This means I'm now trying to compress 2 full time jobs into 5 days.  Not fun, but better than it was.  Even the editing thing doesn't take up all the time needed for a long term position.  My family actually gets to see me in the evenings.  But it's still a busy time, and my own work is suffering a little because of it.

And I'm suffering a big case of avoidance on at least 2 things since they both need scenes added.  I know.  Bad, bad, bad author.  I'm working on it.  Sorta.

Also coming up this week: Dragon*Con.  Yes, I plan to be there, as broke as we are.  Mostly on the Writing Track, but there's a little Goth and a little Anime, among others, thrown in for good measure.  this will also be the hub's first time at the Con, so I need to spend time with him keeping him from getting lost, spending money, you know...the usual things.

Now add on top of all this that my oldest is here with the grandbaby, and, yea, things are just a  bit on the busy side.  I am thinking about what I need to be doing, but it's usually too hot and humid (as the hottest part of the day tends to hit in the early evening then stay for awhile) to dig up any motivation for it.  Hopefully it'll start cooling soon and the writing won;t be so hard to get to even after working during the day.

The one thing I'm having trouble with right now is balancing my time between activities, a lot of which has to do with me stretching myself a little thin.  I'm finally focused on only 2 novels (which may sound weird, but I was bouncing between 4 or 5 for awhile there), but there's a lot interfering with the writing.

For one, the kids are home.  While they are older, having an autistic kid doesn't translate into a child who can occupy himself.  I have to keep an eye on him, and especially watch for his stimming behaviors which we are trying to limit during the day.  Right now that means more TV than i would like, but he's just not a go and play child.  Fortunately, school starts in about 2 weeks, which will give me between 9 AM and 4:30 PM kid free.  It's easier to work when I don't need to keep looking over and making sure my son is behaving appropriately.

Then there's the editing job.  I'm trying to get a line edit job in addition to the position I currently hold, but the position I currently hold has just handed me 8 new projects.  I'm not doing a full 8 hour day with it, but it still cuts into my time.  No big except that it cuts into the best time of the day to get anything done.

Then there are the things I can't control:  the weather, finances, and so on.  Between muggy heat and storms, I spend more time off the computer than I should; and the finances and so on are just plain distracting.  Stress isn't conducive to writing focus.

It bothers me that, 3 years after the move, I'm still trying to adjust to the climate, still struggling with a schedule, still fighting the financial crap that brought us out here to begin with.  Some of it is trying to find a balance between everything that needs my attention.  It's more than just priorities, it's figuring out what works time wise to get everything done.  For some reason, it's proving harder out here than it was in Cali.  Adding the job in the mix and the difference in the climate is making that tougher than I had expected.

I am trying to get through a chapter of A.C. every week, but I do miss every now and then.  My shorts are getting shortchanged (no pun intended), my submissions are just starting to pile, and it all comes down to priorities and time.

I have more to say, but I have an editing test demanding my attention and my son is having a bad day.

Yea, balance.  What's that?  *sighs*

It's been quite a month, with computer meltdowns and other issues cropping up, plus working on an editing project, so time hasn't been what I had hoped.  Fortunately, I managed to save all my writing in the computer mess, though I did lose quite a few other things.  Not as much as I feared, but something important always manages to get lost or mucked up.  In this case, I can't find the codes I need for a bit of software (non-writing related) and can't seem to get a response from the company at all.  I even tried to repurchase.  I'll wait until tomorrow to attempt to contact the company one more time.  If that doesn't work, I'll need to hunt up some replacement software that still works on Win 98 and contact the place that I purchased the software through to see if I can get my money back.  Most my other stuff is saved, but, for some unknown reason, my comp won't access the CDs.  I suspect my CD burner is toast.

A.C. is up to ch5 in revisions.  I showed the earlier chapters to an editor friend of mine and she gave me the thumbs up.  So, the revisions are on track even if they're a bit on the slow side.  They should speed up a little once I get past ch10, which is the last chapter with anything to salvage from my previous attempt at v4 and v5 revisions.  My only concern is making sure the chapters after ch10 have the same tone and polish.  There will be a 6th revision to make some very specific changes and to check for technical errors, then it will go out to beta readers.  Once it's off to them, I'll look at Quest for Ehlarayn and rework it from either the outline or the narrative draft up.

Phoenix Rising is in the outline stage.  I've sorted out 2 of the plot lines, beginning to end.  The people in my writing group who are actually paying attention like the story so far.  I've also reposted Stolen Priest to the group.  The only thing really getting ignored is my short stories.  I have a few new pieces that I need to work on, and a couple of older ones I really should revise, but I seem to go through these phases where I'm so focused on the novel work that anything else is just too much of an interference.

It really is rather surprising how much I have managed to finish all things considered.  I had to reformat, our phone line was torched by lightning, I've been down at least one or two days a week with migraines, storms have kept me off-line for several days, the husband was in an accident -- he's fine but the car is not.  And that's just the major stuff.  Hopefully things will settle down now.  I have more editing projects coming up, and I'm slowly working out a schedule that allows me time for my own writing.  In a month, it will be easier since the kids will be in school (though the daughter and granddaughter will be here).  Not sure when the weather will stop kicking me off-line as well, but hopefully that won;t be too much after the kids are out of the house.

A.C. is still in revisions, but it's all posted with my crit group and I'm pulling chapters and getting it done.  I'm trying to keep a fairly steady pace, not always easy even when I'm really focused on it -- which I have been.  During May, I ended up subbing for most of the month, and that really derailed me (work always does).  Then my second daughter moved back in, bringing chaos with her  -- less than when she lived here before, but it was still quite a disruption.  And now the kids are out and I'm trying to find something other than teaching as a job.  A steady pace now days is when I manage to work on revisions 2 days in a row.

I've started Phoenix Rising, the first in a series of 5 related books with different main characters.  In fact, they're also at different times in Kree (the nation in which they take place) history.  So they kind of stand alone, but they do chronicle the rise and fall of one major house in Kree.  The Thalionrhoes become a part of the first council when the last Life Guardian of Alden dies.  They resist the pressure from the human members to change the consistency of the council.  Later, they create an underground railroad of sorts, this one helping the lyanthry, declared traitors by the council, flee to Serayn.  Finally, the council turns on them completely and attacks their manor, razing the land, killing any surviving members they can find.

That's the whole series.  Yes, I've had it in my head for some time (like most my Alden novels).  Phoenix 1 is the rise of the family to power.  The main character is chosen by the last Life Guardian herself to become a council member.  And it is she who is by the Guardian's side when she prophecies and dies.  This is the main story, and now i have to build the rest -- the conflict from those who would rather the Guardian choose 3 people to take the places the Guardians once held, the conflict with the MC's own house and the spirit guardian that watches over them.  Unlike A.C., I don't have this one all thought out yet, so it's going to take me some time to pull just the plotting form together.

I'm considering looking at books 2 and 3 in the Heroes trilogy again too.  Neither were long enough rough drafts, so I need to go back a step or two with them and see what I need to do to build them up.  I'm thinking I may have to start back at the outline or plotting form and see if I need to develop anything more than I did, then rebuild.

Even if these 3 books never get published, they are certainly teaching me a lot!  I'm hoping A.C. will be ready for whole book readers by the end of the year, and ready for me to query agents by next summer, maybe earlier.  I keep letting myself get hung up on things that I don't really need to be hung up on.  I really have to stop doing that.