15 posts tagged “the obstacles”

There's been a lot going on—mostly health issues, but a few other things a well—and now A.C. and Phoenix are stalled.  Hopefully not for much longer, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting back with it.  It's like I didn't fall off the cart but got tossed off instead, and no one noticed I was missing so the cart kept going.

And this is going to be another place where I have problems if I ever become pro: how do you write when you're sick and stressed, and how do you get yourself back on track when you can barely get out of bed?

Don't get me wrong: I needed the week off I just took.  I wasn't getting enough sleep.  I could barely sit up most of the time.  I'd not only not make coherent sense if I even tried to write or revise, I wouldn't be doing my body any favors either.  When you're that sick, you take the break and just accept it.

But when you're done being that sick, you've got to get back on your feet, and I'm not doing so well at that.  I am picking at A.C. revisions, yes, and most of that needs to be done off the comp (I revise by hand; revising by comp doesn't work for me), but picking is the operative word here.  I'm definitely not doing as much as I should be.  I can't even seem to convince myself to do the world building I really, really need to get done for both novels.

I am managing to get back on track with my editing work, but my own writing?  I just can't seem to find the motivation to get with it.  And it's driving me crazy that my own motivation, or lack thereof, is what could be my downfall as a writer.

We've got more upheaval coming this month, but, somehow, I've got to find a way to work through it.  Any suggestions?

I've actually had an amazing amount of personal stuff get in the way of my usual activities, some of it health related, some of it family related, and a whole lot of it disruptive.  Things appear to be settling now, for the most part, and I've made a few changes to make my days easier for me.  Not sure they will get me on this blog more than usual, but they are already helping with the writing aspect of things.  Now we just need the weather to be cooperative...which is not likely to happen consistently any time soon.  We need the water, don't get me wrong, so the rain is welcome.  The tornadoes and lightning, however, really aren't as necessary as they seem to think they are.  ;)

Of course, the biggest concern has been my health.  I had to go back on my iron to combat anemia, and finally gave in and went to the doctor when the last 2 weeks proved to be far more difficult than they should have been.  He's put me on medication as a stop gap measure (which is already working) and is having testing done to see what we can do to keep the issue under control in the future.  A lot of this has to do with my weight, and a lot of it has to do with my age.  I was taking tiny steps towards a healthier me when the newest wrinkle showed up.  With the temporary measures already having a dramatic affect for the better, I'm already trying to get back into some of the habits that were helping me before.  I may hold off on exercise for a bit, though, just to allow things to stabilize before I go adding something back into the mix.

One of the biggest changes I've made is to my schedule.  I'm not sure why, but months after leaving my substitute teaching job, I was still on the working girl schedule: up early, awake all day, to bed around midnight.  For most people, this works...except maybe the midnight thing.  For ME, this is a nightmare.  I hate mornings (I like to say I'm allergic to them) and have always done better with a night time schedule--meaning to bed at 3 AM (or later) and up at 10 or 11 AM.  I don't even start to feel creative energy until 1 AM or later, so being in bed at midnight robs me of my most creative time.  After talking with the husband about this, it was agreed that I should try to go back to my own schedule, with a small change: I still have to get up to get the kids off to school.  I just go back to bed once they are on their buses and sleep until 11 or noon.  The old work schedule rears its ugly head still, so the shift over is proving a bit more difficult than I thought it would be, but, as I said earlier, the positive results are already being seen.  I've been working A LOT faster on A.C. than I was before starting to switch over.  Nothing beats working within your own creative cycle.

The editing job has also gone through some changes.  Our acquisitions editor resigned for personal reasons that had nothing to do with her love for us.  She just didn't feel it was the right fit for her.  As a result, my position as senior editor is now merged with acquisitions, and I've had to do some shuffling around with my responsibilities to get everything to fit.  Fortunately, it's still quiet for us.  It may not stay that way once we have our August launch and release.  I'm looking forward to it, but we also still have a lot to do to get 3 of our 4 books ready on time (the 4th may or may not be ready, and we're okay with that).

In other news, my essay "When Tears Fall" has been reprinted in Voices of Autism, an autism anthology.  I am VERY excited about this antho.  It's already received at least one wonderful review:

The fifth entry in the Voices anthology project from the Healing Project, this work includes over 40 different stories and vignettes written by parents, teachers, and people with autistic spectrum disorders (ASD) that showcase how families and caregivers measure perseverance, understanding, and success. Many of the selections stand out, including an author’s account of her autistic son, a seventh grader’s perspective on her two siblings with autism, a memoir by an adult with autism who relied on a tire advertisement to get through tough times, and an account of the challenges of dating an adult with Asperger’s. The book’s real strengths are the adult-penned passages, which will give readers a better sense of what autism truly is. Taken individually, the stories show glimpses of the impact that autism has on individuals and those they love. Taken collectively, they paint a rich landscape that many will find familiar. Highly recommended for public libraries and academic libraries with disability collections.

-- ­Corey Seeman, Kresge Business Administration Library, Univ. of Michigan, Ann Arbor

I hope you will consider picking up a copy.  Autism is probably one of the least understood but most prevalent disabilities in the world today.  1 out of 166 people are diagnosed with autism, and it affects everyone in the autistic's life.  Probably the most frightening part of the disability is that those who have it look normal.  It's not like so many disabilities where you can tell there's something different just by the person's appearance.  When you combine this with the lack of knowledge about it, the result can be devastating for the family.  I've been a target of the blame game, of being told I should get another opinion because it's probably not autism, of having to fight for everything that my son is supposed to get by law.  The only thing that will help is education.  The essays and stories in this book come from our personal experiences as family members of autistics and from those with autism.  Nothing could inform better.

There is a downside to doing everything on the weekend: tornado weather can get in the way.

This weekend, I didn't get much done because the weather pretty much took me offline for about a day and a half.  If I owned a laptop, it wouldn't have been as big a problem, but all I have is the ol' desktop. Since I can't afford to replace it should anything happen to it, I tend to be a little over cautious with it.  As a result, not so much done this past weekend.  With this being just the beginning of the spring storms, it's going to be an interesting couple of months.  Then we get the humid summer, followed shortly by hurricane season.  Why, yes, one of these days I really do need to get a laptop.  *g*

This week I actually need to focus a little on world building.  I used to love world building, but I think I burned myself out on it and never quite recovered.  So why do I do it?  Because, simply, I'm forgetful.  I want consistency in my worlds.  So I use world building to set things in my head a bit and to check things when I forget.  And, yes, I have used my files to check on things.  I pretty much have to write down every background decision I make or it gets lost the next time I come around to it.  One downside to being both ADHD and anemic is a really poor memory.

At any rate, I've finally hit the chapters in A.C. where I left off my world building.  So this week I need to do a little before I continue onwards.  Then I'll have 4 or 5 chapters before I need to do more.  It used to be that I'd do a whole bunch of world building at once before I even needed it, but I've not been as into it, so now I just do it when I need it.  I try to be thorough--get everything on that particular profile complete all at once--but I don't build ahead much any more.  That may change when I have another world that needs the basics, but most of that stuff is done for Alden.

But, for now, I'm off to do work.  I'm going to try to carve a little time out of my day for my own writing work and see if I can get started on the one profile I need.  I'm not so much behind on the one manuscript that I need to dedicate my whole day to the editing job now.  It'll be nice to have my hour back.

I'm trying to get back on track here, but it's proving to be slower going than I imagined.  I still have the cough from being sick, though I suspect that, for the first time in almost 4 years, some of the issue is my asthma flaring.up.  It's weird having to deal with that again after so long without it.  There's also a little congestion left and the two are waking me up intermittently through the night.  The lack of uninterrupted sleep isn't helping any, either.

One of the biggest things I'm having trouble with is working on my own stuff during the week.  The only thing I can think of as being a hindrance is that I do editing all day.  So, when ti comes time to work on my own writing, I'm about writing-ed out.  I've already processed a couple of thousand words.  A couple thousand more, even if it's my own, just overwhelms the brain.  I'll have to work on that, obviously, in the meantime, it looks like it was a very good idea to make Friday a part of my writing weekend.  Even though I'm not getting much done during the week, I do seem to be fairly productive on weekends (over 7k this past Saturday and Sunday alone).  I just know I could get more done if I would just take advantage of my evenings.

Motivation.  It's such a fickle thing.

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to work on this little problem in the near future, however.  Because of being sick, I'm behind in my editing work, so I've had to drop the hour I reserve at the end of my work day (before my son gets home) for my own writing—I need to use that time to get a little more done on the manuscripts in my care.  I'm also stepping in for the Acquisitions Editor who needed some personal time, and had to adjust my daily schedule as a result.  So, right now, work is very busy, which makes me even less inclined to work on my own writing in the evenings.

I'm about 25k behind on my word count goal and 4 chapters behind with A.C.  I still have world building I really need to get done for A.C. (and my other Alden novels in general), and I've picked up Novel Plot Building as an in progress project again.  I really need to find a way to get past this block I have on doing my own writing in the evenings.  I'm participating in a writing challenge to hit my problem areas, but that won't do any good if I don't find a way to get past my own blocks.

It's sad.  I rarely suffer writers block, but I do have large amounts of motivation block.  All these ideas and projects, and I just can't seem to push myself to get them done.

Have to find a way.

I've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with some unusual (for me) insecurities.  One had to do with family, but was indirectly related to being a writer, the other was directly related to writing and led to a realization about how I need to work.  I've also been learning that even established authors still deal with insecurities when it comes to writing.  Which is kind of depressing in the sense of "oh my Gad--you mean I'll never be free of this crap?!"  But it can be reassuring too--maybe I won't piss off fans with my own sense of self-importance the way a few authors have in recent years.  (I've already told friends that if I ever get to the point where I think I don't need an editor, they are to slap me silly.  I can't see myself ever becoming a popular enough author to warrant such arrogance or ever getting over my own insecurities enough to ever think I don't need help, but who knows what the future holds?)  The thing about insecurities, though, is you have to find a way through or around them to keep going.  You can't let them strangle you.

My first demon had to do with not providing financially for my kids.  Writing doesn't pay much for most authors.  MY writing doesn't even cover the cost of supplies yet.  (Are you kidding?  Ink alone wipes out what I make in a year!)  while the amount I make is rising, it certainly can't be called a paying job.  I'm in that "paying my dues" phase of my writing career--and may be here not only for a very long time, but for the entirety of my career.  We have to be somewhat realistic: writing is a brutal business and, even with more opportunities to get paid publication, only a few really ever make this a supporting career.  The funny thing about all this is that I've only ever wanted to be an at home mommy anyway.  Now that I am, because of some issues that prevent me from working, I'm angsting about it.  I guess it would be easier to deal with if I'd had more of a choice in the matter instead of making the only choice that made sense (because, yes, there was another option open to me, but taking the option that reduces our income when we barely get by as it is hardly makes any sense at all).

So, right now, regardless of the financial implications of my writing, I'd be home anyway.  However, this doesn't mean I don't provide for my kids, and I had to realize this.  I keep us from losing more money by giving my husband the hours he needs to work.  I keep us from paying for childcare--which would probably eat up most, if not all, of any paycheck I would get.  As a sub, there's no guarantee I'd be working every day--though I did work most days because I was one of those subs teachers wanted in their classrooms.  And over the last year, it's become more and more obvious that I wasn't getting paid enough to really offset the cost of me working.  So, even when I was bringing in a traditional income, I wasn't really providing financially for my kids.  Towards the end of my subbing career, I was even paying for me to work.

Then there are the non-financial reasons for me to stay home.  I provide something for my kids that a daycare never could: me.  My time, my presence, my interaction.  I help them get ready for school and see them off, make sure they've done everything they need and have everything they need.  I'm here when they get home and can listen to their day and make sure they get their homework done and do whatever else they need to do.  When my husband is late, I feed them (he's usually our cook).  I provide stability in the routine of the day, something my son really needs.  In this house, quality time goes hand in hand with quantity time.  They get me, their mom, and no one can replace that.

So I do provide for my kids.  Maybe not with money, but I do provide for them.  And, since I'd be home anyway, I might as well write.  There's ways to keep the costs down and ways to increase the income, both of which I'm working on.

Demon #1 dealt with.  Hopefully for good, but angst has this annoying tendency to resurface, so we'll see.  At least I now have this post to look at when it does.

Demon #2 is an odd one for me.  I'm used to crises in confidence, but this had nothing to do with confidence.  This one had to do with what I "should" be doing with my time.  I wasn't thinking "hey, you're a lousy writer, give it up."  I was thinking, "I may be an okay writer, but should I be writing?"  I'm not even sure it came down to money, even though I'm sure that was part of it.  I am selling, not frequently and not everything, but I'm seeing more sales now than when I started.  But should I be trying to get published?  Perhaps this was more of "how much of a waste of time is this?" kind of thing.  The solution to this demon came down to two things for me:

1.  Going back to the kids a bit here: I'd be home anyway.  The press I edit for hasn't taken off enough for it to take up all my time, there's only so much housecleaning a person can do (if they even want to do that much housecleaning at all), and I'm not a TV and bonbons kind of person (even the PlayStation gets old after awhile--something it's starting to remind us of lately)...and I've always wanted to be a writer.  And...I'd be home anyway,  Might as well fill that time with what I love to do.

2. Oddly, what helped the most was writing fresh words.  Not revising.  Not checking for sense, technicalities, or anything--just getting a story down.  It'll need to be revised later, yes, but, for now, I can just write it.  Apparently, I need that to keep sane about my writing.  Revising is about fixing the problems.  Focus on nothing but fixing the problems, you begin to wonder if it's what you should be doing because all you're doing is fixing problems and there's always problems to fix.  I don't like revisions.  I know they're necessary, but, no, revising isn't a part of writing I enjoy.  I don't enjoy them and see so much wrong with my writing that it's hard to feel like this is what I should be doing.  To keep my love of writing alive, to think I should be doing this writing thing, I need fresh words.  This means making sure I have a novel in that early part of creation while revising another project.

Once I wrote some new words on Phoenix Rising, that feeling that maybe I shouldn't be doing this dissipated.  I just have to remember this the next time I get that feeling that I maybe I shouldn't be doing this writing thing.  Granted, it may not come back, but I should plan for it anyway.  For one, I tend to hyper focus.  It's part of the ADHD, believe it or not.  At some point, I'll get so totally focused on Assassin's Choice that nothing else will get worked on.  Assassin's is in revisions and will be for the rest of the year.  No (or very few) fresh words.  So it will be easy to get caught back up in it and let anything fresh just slide because this "needs" to get done.

Demon #2 dealt with...for now.

Writing is such an odd profession.  It's generally not thought of as a career unless you're Stephen King or J. K. Rowling, neither of which would be told by their spouses or parents to go get a "real" job.  Even visual artists get more respect and support than your average writer.  Despite the number of markets out there, it doesn't pay a living wage for most of us--a lot of which has to do with what those markets pay (or, more frequently, don't pay), but there are other reasons in there as well.  So it comes with these "extra" demons.  It's bad enough to be fighting feelings of insecurity, but we have to deal with all this other stuff as well.  And it's a constant thing.  There's this subtle pressure to prove yourself (by selling BIG, of course) or get out of the way.  And that, apparently, never goes away...except maybe for King and Rowling.  ;)

All of which makes me kind of glad I'd be home anyway.  If I end up being able to fall back on nothing else for my writing, I can always remind myself of that.  Hopefully, that, and the few publications I get each year, will be enough to keep me going despite my demons.  I'm home anyway.  Might as well do something I love to do.  :)

I'm having real trouble getting motivated to do my personal writing related stuff.  My big focus the past few months have been A.C. and Phoenix Rising (also known as Phoenix 1 since there are a total of 5 Phoenix books planned), but even being 8 chapters behind in my revisions doesn't have me motivated enough to work on them.  With these 2 books bogged down, so are my shorts and other work.

A lot of it has to do with how much I try to get done in a day.  There's the "day job", the DII administrative stuff, the home stuff, and so on and so forth.  Somehow writing has been pushed down the line until...until I don't get it done.  With the holidays preparing to take over, it's only going to get worse.  For example, this week starts the baking blitz I do every year.  The early cookies will go out as gifts, the cookies made closer towards the weekend will get put in containers until Christmas.  (Maybe.  The family tends to attack the cookies making more baking necessary right before the holiday--also making it a good thing we don't do much on Christmas eve.)  As much as I love it, it's also one more thing to take up time that could be spent writing.

Which is not to say I'll give up cookie-baking this year.  Or any year.  We must have our cookies.  ;)

There are a lot of writers who tell me they have trouble finding time to write.  My response is generally the same: you have to make time to write.  And, really, I do, I just don't do the writing.  I also don't believe in waiting for the muse to strike (and I'd link to a post about that, but it'll change once I get the motivation to make Alden.nu fixes...which I've also not been at all motivated to get to).  And yet, here I sit, dragging my butt and not doing what I need to do.  It really does make me despair of being able to handle deadlines.

I do think that the changes over the last few months are part of the problem, the upcoming holidays are part of the problem, and so on.  There's just been so much going on--a change in work, a change in focus, people moving in and out again, and so on.  It's fracturing my attention.  Maybe it will get better after the holidays, but I still think I need to find a way to write through them.

And if anyone's got any suggestions, I'll take them.

The one thing I'm having trouble with right now is balancing my time between activities, a lot of which has to do with me stretching myself a little thin.  I'm finally focused on only 2 novels (which may sound weird, but I was bouncing between 4 or 5 for awhile there), but there's a lot interfering with the writing.

For one, the kids are home.  While they are older, having an autistic kid doesn't translate into a child who can occupy himself.  I have to keep an eye on him, and especially watch for his stimming behaviors which we are trying to limit during the day.  Right now that means more TV than i would like, but he's just not a go and play child.  Fortunately, school starts in about 2 weeks, which will give me between 9 AM and 4:30 PM kid free.  It's easier to work when I don't need to keep looking over and making sure my son is behaving appropriately.

Then there's the editing job.  I'm trying to get a line edit job in addition to the position I currently hold, but the position I currently hold has just handed me 8 new projects.  I'm not doing a full 8 hour day with it, but it still cuts into my time.  No big except that it cuts into the best time of the day to get anything done.

Then there are the things I can't control:  the weather, finances, and so on.  Between muggy heat and storms, I spend more time off the computer than I should; and the finances and so on are just plain distracting.  Stress isn't conducive to writing focus.

It bothers me that, 3 years after the move, I'm still trying to adjust to the climate, still struggling with a schedule, still fighting the financial crap that brought us out here to begin with.  Some of it is trying to find a balance between everything that needs my attention.  It's more than just priorities, it's figuring out what works time wise to get everything done.  For some reason, it's proving harder out here than it was in Cali.  Adding the job in the mix and the difference in the climate is making that tougher than I had expected.

I am trying to get through a chapter of A.C. every week, but I do miss every now and then.  My shorts are getting shortchanged (no pun intended), my submissions are just starting to pile, and it all comes down to priorities and time.

I have more to say, but I have an editing test demanding my attention and my son is having a bad day.

Yea, balance.  What's that?  *sighs*

It's been quite a month, with computer meltdowns and other issues cropping up, plus working on an editing project, so time hasn't been what I had hoped.  Fortunately, I managed to save all my writing in the computer mess, though I did lose quite a few other things.  Not as much as I feared, but something important always manages to get lost or mucked up.  In this case, I can't find the codes I need for a bit of software (non-writing related) and can't seem to get a response from the company at all.  I even tried to repurchase.  I'll wait until tomorrow to attempt to contact the company one more time.  If that doesn't work, I'll need to hunt up some replacement software that still works on Win 98 and contact the place that I purchased the software through to see if I can get my money back.  Most my other stuff is saved, but, for some unknown reason, my comp won't access the CDs.  I suspect my CD burner is toast.

A.C. is up to ch5 in revisions.  I showed the earlier chapters to an editor friend of mine and she gave me the thumbs up.  So, the revisions are on track even if they're a bit on the slow side.  They should speed up a little once I get past ch10, which is the last chapter with anything to salvage from my previous attempt at v4 and v5 revisions.  My only concern is making sure the chapters after ch10 have the same tone and polish.  There will be a 6th revision to make some very specific changes and to check for technical errors, then it will go out to beta readers.  Once it's off to them, I'll look at Quest for Ehlarayn and rework it from either the outline or the narrative draft up.

Phoenix Rising is in the outline stage.  I've sorted out 2 of the plot lines, beginning to end.  The people in my writing group who are actually paying attention like the story so far.  I've also reposted Stolen Priest to the group.  The only thing really getting ignored is my short stories.  I have a few new pieces that I need to work on, and a couple of older ones I really should revise, but I seem to go through these phases where I'm so focused on the novel work that anything else is just too much of an interference.

It really is rather surprising how much I have managed to finish all things considered.  I had to reformat, our phone line was torched by lightning, I've been down at least one or two days a week with migraines, storms have kept me off-line for several days, the husband was in an accident -- he's fine but the car is not.  And that's just the major stuff.  Hopefully things will settle down now.  I have more editing projects coming up, and I'm slowly working out a schedule that allows me time for my own writing.  In a month, it will be easier since the kids will be in school (though the daughter and granddaughter will be here).  Not sure when the weather will stop kicking me off-line as well, but hopefully that won;t be too much after the kids are out of the house.

A.C. is still in revisions, but it's all posted with my crit group and I'm pulling chapters and getting it done.  I'm trying to keep a fairly steady pace, not always easy even when I'm really focused on it -- which I have been.  During May, I ended up subbing for most of the month, and that really derailed me (work always does).  Then my second daughter moved back in, bringing chaos with her  -- less than when she lived here before, but it was still quite a disruption.  And now the kids are out and I'm trying to find something other than teaching as a job.  A steady pace now days is when I manage to work on revisions 2 days in a row.

I've started Phoenix Rising, the first in a series of 5 related books with different main characters.  In fact, they're also at different times in Kree (the nation in which they take place) history.  So they kind of stand alone, but they do chronicle the rise and fall of one major house in Kree.  The Thalionrhoes become a part of the first council when the last Life Guardian of Alden dies.  They resist the pressure from the human members to change the consistency of the council.  Later, they create an underground railroad of sorts, this one helping the lyanthry, declared traitors by the council, flee to Serayn.  Finally, the council turns on them completely and attacks their manor, razing the land, killing any surviving members they can find.

That's the whole series.  Yes, I've had it in my head for some time (like most my Alden novels).  Phoenix 1 is the rise of the family to power.  The main character is chosen by the last Life Guardian herself to become a council member.  And it is she who is by the Guardian's side when she prophecies and dies.  This is the main story, and now i have to build the rest -- the conflict from those who would rather the Guardian choose 3 people to take the places the Guardians once held, the conflict with the MC's own house and the spirit guardian that watches over them.  Unlike A.C., I don't have this one all thought out yet, so it's going to take me some time to pull just the plotting form together.

I'm considering looking at books 2 and 3 in the Heroes trilogy again too.  Neither were long enough rough drafts, so I need to go back a step or two with them and see what I need to do to build them up.  I'm thinking I may have to start back at the outline or plotting form and see if I need to develop anything more than I did, then rebuild.

Even if these 3 books never get published, they are certainly teaching me a lot!  I'm hoping A.C. will be ready for whole book readers by the end of the year, and ready for me to query agents by next summer, maybe earlier.  I keep letting myself get hung up on things that I don't really need to be hung up on.  I really have to stop doing that.

The building draft for Under A Blood Moon was finished last week.  It came in at 55,112 words.  However, it didn't survive the scrutiny of most of my alpha readers.  There are some huge plot problems that I need to think about before I work on it, or any of the series, any more, so the novel (and the series, if there will be one) has been set aside for the time being.

I'm already starting to consider another project to work on in its place.  So far, it looks like either Mirror Master or Mist & Shadow book 1.  Mirror has the least amount of work done (like, next to none), but has been on my mind the most frequently of late.  Mist & Shadow has been an on again, off again project that I think is cool, but I just haven't been as interested in it as it deserves if I'm going to work on it.  Another one in the consideration pile is Huntress (title not really settled), which is one of the newer of my project ideas, but it isn't nearly as formed as I think it needs to be for me to work on it.  I'm obviously still doing some thinking about what to pick up.  I don't mind the few days off, but I know I also need to pick something else up fairly soon.

In the meantime, I'm still working on A.C. (which is still a ways from completion, but is also the only book I have in revisions at the moment).

Really, now that I've proven I can draft a book, I really need to finish one.